Never mind depth and a sense of strong character derived of moral value, I can find more inherent value in the various quirks of individual beauty, and cultivated personal charm or even the degeneration of an individuals rectitude than I can in the strength of a mans integrity or his merit reflected by his family life, the expense of which in my mind, is rapidly deteriorating. I have no sound evidence to support my claim, other than I just find the latter so much more worth my interest and appreciation, and in it, I am at least not blindsided by the blaring hypocrisy I've consistently, albeit not altogether accidentally, stumbled in on. "finding his daughter, 19, insufficiently austere, Jallat, watchmaker of Saint-Etienne, killed her. It is true that he has eleven children left." The insufficiently austere, who, in presenting themselves carry the lewd, with the distinction of hedonists and a philosophers, or at least the charming spectacle of the dancing girls of Delhi and their impious golden anklets entertains my idea of notable physical beauty as well as ornate ostentation. Honestly, its needless to even remark upon it, the family oriented well respected, the subjectmatter at hand being entirely unremarkable. Exceptionally so. Which is admirable I guess in a sort of dismal way and I'm aware of that. But am I the only one suspicious of a well respected man? Really the ones of ill repute one can know what to expect of them. I'm not entirely sure why the moral law and the wholesome virtue of apple pie my priest sometimes tell me that some people live their lives by is generally accepted as ideal in my community. In fact, I've never known someone whose true nature didn't reveal itself in the keyholes of their apartment. I think its all basically a lie, yes even you. I think all of your pretenses of sanctity are predominantly feigned, and that your ethics, your fidelity and the values you tote are flexible, depending upon the situation. Then again, I think that kind of thing... meaning superiority in precieved virtures... gives some peoples lives meaning, whatever meaning that is. Is it just here that the Shangri-l a of family oriented good moral value and pressure to achieve the supreme archetype exists? Is it different to people on the outside looking in? I don't think I've ever known anything more intimately than the flea market of American Christian culture, including the "home church" families or the bizarre offshoots of the faith that avidly support hollistic approaches to otherwise perfectly treatable ailments. Do people connect differently outside of this? I'm actually asking. My Ritalin has proven only mostly effective, I still have "gratuitous amounts of energy" so to speak, and my mind is still- to put it simply and quite candidly- a perpetual clusterfuck of activity, though my emotions have geared down, and I have become more even keeled. My thoughts are fragmented and come to me broken and too quickly to hold onto them, and my emotions are in constant tumult, but this has been tempered by amphetamine, and since then I've become a perfect lamb. My doctor told me during my visit that if the sedating effects persist they might increase my dosage, or put me on something more powerful than the drugs I'm on now, that will last much longer, so I wont come down quite as hard. Delicious opium. the scope in which I view the world will then be changed out for something clearer and more refined, which I've definitely been told on numerous occasions is a good thing, and the desired effect, so one can only speculate at this period of time. "Abou tige, ville de la thebaide, ou il croit beaucoup de pavot noir, don't se fait meilleur opinion" (D'Herbelot)